Divorce - When Children Are Involved

By Kim Duffy

We all know that kids often get a raw deal when their parents divorce. But some do seem to adjust more easily than others... What's the difference? There are plenty of reasons. Some children are more adaptable to life's challenges in general, and others may be more prepared for the split, having noticed ongoing problems for a while prior. Regardless, the single most important factor in determining the level of post-divorce adjustment for children is the duration and intensity of overt 'conflict' between parents.

Obviously the ideal situation would be one where amicable discussions take place between parents, with the best interests of the children as a top priority. But we all know this isn't always the case. When dealing with separation and divorce involving children, the golden rule for parents should always be: *Love your children more than you hate your ex.* This means that when kids are around, it is vital that parents put their emotions aside and suck it up with as little drama as possible. Save the blaming and name calling for an adult conversation later on. Don't ask a child to play messenger or grill them for a play-by-play of what took place elsewhere. Adults can't avoid the pain of divorce, and neither can the kids. But parents can be sensitive to their kids' feelings, and minimize the amount of suffering they have to contend with. Remember, just because yours was a lousy spouse doesn't mean he or she is also a bad parent.

Even after divorce, it is possible to have happy, healthy, functioning kids. At any age, children experiencing the divorce of their parents will need more consistency, affection, assurance that their parents will always be there for them, and to know that they are not at fault. Parents need to be as honest and open as possible from the outset, without divulging too much information. Kids may think they want details, but they don't. What is shared should be on a need-to-know basis, and although parents may not have all the answers right now, it's important for kids to know that they (parents and kids) will be okay. Kids tend to be resilient and adaptable. Most will accept the idea of living in two homes and make the best of it, despite the inconvenience...even more so if parents refrain from pointing out the negatives. Some may even see an upside to this arrangement!

What parents can and should always do is to take responsibility for their own emotional health. No one said that playing the vindictive ex or acting as a martyr are the only options available. How about being a role model for proactively moving yourself toward a better future in the face of adversity? What a wonderful life lesson for a child! Parents should ask for help if they're struggling...but not from the kids! Instead they should seek 'grown up' support from a family member, friend, therapist or Life Coach!

Yes, we know...it wasn't supposed to be like this. But this is the new reality, so the faster everyone gets on board and looks toward the future with a better attitude, the more tolerable it will be for all involved. Healthy, positive action from both sides is best, but even one parent's efforts alone will make a difference in the life of a child. The overall financial and emotional damage experienced by the adults involved can also be minimized. Whatever the case, in working through this difficult time, try to keep it positive and be sure to put the children first!

Kim Duffy, MA

Life & Success Coach http://www.InTouchConsultingServices.com

Article Source: Divorce - When Children Are Involved
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